My vacation….to the dentist

Being a mom to three boys four and under doesn’t leave much time for r and r. Don’t get me wrong. I love being a mom, but I’m no martyr—everyone needs a break now and then. Since this gig is 24/7, I have to take what I can get, when I can get it! 

I used to dream of all inclusive vacations to the Caribbean….now I linger by the pineapples in produce and hum, “One love, walla walla wall-aaaaa.”  (I believe in the business world, this is called a “paradigm shift”.) Either way, I relish my solo trips to places like the grocery store and the dentist for the glorious taste of freedom that they are.

Everyone seems to grumble about going to the dentist. The dentist gets a bad rap, but I’m here to tell you, that’s totally undeserved. For one thing, unlike the doctor, the dentist does not make you strip down and wear a decidedly unfashionable, cold paper johnny….(hi, you’d think in New England they could at least make them out of fleece and not flipping coffee filter material…how about not adding insult to injury, doc?) At the dentist, you get to keep the clothes on your back and the shoes on your feet. YOU decide how fashionable or unfashionable you want to be!

Another bonus, the dentist so does not care what you weigh!! You don’t need to cower in your paper gown, waiting for the nurse to come in, bark out your weight, and record it for all eternity in a chart you can’t even see! At the doctor, they take your blood, your urine—they take, take, take—and then tell you nothing (except maybe lay off the Oreos, Chubs!) At the dentist, everything they do is an open book….they take your x-rays, slap ’em up on the screen, and tell you what’s up right then and there.  Bam! You get to know all your teeth biz….no lines, no waiting, no calling back to chase results. And, you leave with a gift, every.single.time. I love prizes! Who doesn’t want a shiny new toothbrush?

But the best part?  The dentist’s waiting room is a virtual smut magazine bonanza—People, US, OK!…oh yeah, they’ve got it going on. And since they’re bound to run late, you can catch up with all the latest Brangelina biz in peace! Hmm…we might be on to something here….flossing, good bye. I’m taking my chances for an extra dental visit!!!

I mean, everyone knows the dentist is the one who has the all the good trashy mags….you go to the ob and fuhgettaboutit….it’s all Healthy Pregnancy this and Being a Good Mom that……ahh….no thannnnk youuuuuuuu! Too late and……well, the jury’s still out. Either way, not how I want to spend my few moments of glorious freedom. (While I love love love my OB and all her partners, their choice in reading material, as well as gowns, is dubious.)

So who wants to meet me in the deli line or the dentist’s waiting room, say Friday, 7-ish?