Would it kill you to card me? And for the love of God, don’t call me ma’am!

There comes a point in everyone’s life, when you realize you’re old. Oh, I admit it….I ignored the signs at first, like when I went to volunteer and the cute college girls referred to another mom my age who was volunteering as, “that lady”.  When you go bra shopping, and you come home with one that says, “NEW! Age Defying Lift!” and it costs more than your first rent payment out of college, the writing’s on the wall ladies. Young women….do not have to wager their financial future to keep the twins where they should be!

Despite these obvious signs though, my world didn’t crumble down til a routine trip to the grocery store. Standing in the deli line, minding my own biz, debating in my head “Swiss or provolone? Swiss or provolone? Swiss AND provolone?”  my thoughts were interrupted by a voice from behind the counter.

“Ma’am?”

“Swiss AND provolone? Swiss AND pro….”

“MA’AM? CAN I HELP YOU?”

Startled out of my delicious cheese fantasy, I turn to my left, then to my right. No one.

I look behind me. No one.

Wait a second.

Is he talking to ME?

“Are you talking to MEEEEE?” I squeak?

“Yes ma’am, what can I do for you today?”

Well, you can start by not calling me ma’am you 16 year old pimply faced, spindley arm jackass! Apparently customer service is a dying institution!! Where’s the RESPECT? Where’s Aretha when I need her? I need her presidential inauguration hat, stat. I need the hat, STAT. I’m going to beat deli boy with Aretha’s hat WHILE I play R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Yes, it’s a plan! I’m so doing it! He’s SO getting schooled on respect!

Despondent, I order five pounds of Provolone, Swiss (and American thrown in for good measure) from uncouth- rude- boy and skulk over to the adult beverage aisle.

“Who’s he calling ma’am” I spit under my breath. “I’ll show him ma’am.  I’m not shuffling around here with grey hair and wire rim glasses. Ma’am. He won’t be calling me ma’am when I beat him upside the head with Aretha’s ginormous bad ass hat!”

I grab up my booze and go. I’ve got my cheese, I’ve got my wine, I’ve got my beer. The rest of the grocery list be damned. The family’s living off the land this week. And cheese. No one will have a bowel movement (sorry, tmi, but just sayin’), but too damn bad. They’re gonna have to deal with it. I am NOT patronizing this low brow establishment any further!

I schlep to the checkout, sulking like an octogenarian who just spent her last quarter on the slots and came up empty on the big bus trip to Mohegan Sun.

I dump my bounty on the belt and realize, score!  The cashier’s a matronly woman of about fitty five! She’ll see me for the youthful, vibrant stylin’ mommy I know I am!

We exchange pleasantries, and I get out my wallet, poised to procure my ID.

She scans my cheese and booze.

I’m wai-ting.

“That will be $48.27.”

“And?”

“And…we take cash, check or charge?”

“Well……. don’t you need to see my ID?”

“Um, well, we only need to card people who look under 30.”

Beatch! She might as well have punched me in the gut!

I’m not that much over 30, am I? I stop and do the math.

 OH God, I’m in my MID THIRTIES. I know I knew this, but for some reason I still feel like I’m 27. But that’s just madness, because when I really was 27, I was barely married, had no kids, a career, WAY better clothes, and ahem, weighed **many** pounds less. 27? That wasn’t a few years…that was….. a LIFETIME ago.

All of a sudden, I feel all kinds of crazy. (Hi, I’ll take some cheese and booze with a side of crazy, please…)

It’s not THEM. It’s ME.

I am old!

“I can card you if you want me to?” the cashier offers.

The condescending *&^%#!!!! She’s totally patronizing me!!! You can’t offer to card someone AFTER you already didn’t. I already KNOW you think I’m OLD. You can’t take it back—the implied insult is out there!

Oh, it’s on! I’m so coming back to beat both of them with the hat!

 

 

 

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13 Comments

Filed under OH &^%$!!, Random Rage

13 responses to “Would it kill you to card me? And for the love of God, don’t call me ma’am!

  1. Stacey

    Absolutely hysterical and sadly so true! I hate being called ma’am and wish I got carded at least a little these days! Love it Janet cannot wait for more.

  2. Jamie Tighe

    HYSTERICAL! Keep it coming woman!!!! LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!

  3. peasoutmama

    Oh…Aretha’s hat…love it!

  4. L

    Jan-
    Love the blog….so true….all of it!

  5. KerriG

    Too funny! I bought a bottle of wine not too long ago and the kid asked me for my license and I felt great until he said “It is just to verify your signature on the credit card” Jeez, thanks buddy!

  6. Siobhan

    Hysterical! I always put the wallet on the counter with the ID at the ready…trying to hint…just hoping for the ID check….NUTHIN! UGH…….
    Love the blog and my daily dose of laughter….you better not miss a day! Thanks!

  7. Liz

    We are old,,,, so old… how did it sneak up on us!!!!!!

  8. Lizzie

    I freakin love it!!! you are so witty!! Can’t wait to read more.. like what happens when you actually get to the gyno!! ha ha!

  9. peasoutmama

    Ugh…I used to get carded in my early 30s or so, but now…nothing. So sad. And then that just makes me curious as to what the hell happened to my face in the past six years!!

  10. Michelle Robinson

    Ladies you have to start by taking out your ID anyway — lead them to the water and they will drink it.

  11. Lisa Feeney

    I was driving my oldest and her friends to the movies. After the movies I hear “Mrs Feeney who is going home first”. It brought back memories of being with my group of friends when I was younger and hoping I was NOT the first to be dropped off. But that question was for my parents and my friends parents because they were old… NOT ME!!!!

  12. When I worked at Shaws someone called me ‘Sir’ once. I think that was almost as tramatic as the ma’am I get now!

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