My purses used to be stylish, cute and admittedly, sometimes real and sometimes faux. Now, they’re just honking. They’re just about as stylish as something that needs to haul small cargo can be, that also typically costs, oh, $50 bucks or less.

I swear I’m getting curvature of the spine from carrying my purse. It weighs about 1500 pounds and has so much random stuff in it, I’m pretty sure if I got stranded on a desert island, I’d have enough loot in there to eat for a week, send out SOS signals and if all hope is lost, MacGayver my ass a small boat to sail out of there. But….would I want to? Being temporarily stranded on a random desert island sounds strangely appealing to me—a little bit less so than a jury sequester but all the same, still pretty tempting. I could pretend I was on “holiday” at an all inclusive resort….sans the delish food, running water and free flowing booze.

Yeah, on second thought, I’ll just stick to my getaway to the grocery store. Frankly, you lost me at no booze.

The best part about lugging around half a ton of ca-rap, is that when I actually need one of the 50 million things in there, I have to root around in the bottomless pit for five minutes to find what it is I’m looking for. I practically have to send a dive team in.

“Okay, stand back— we’re going in for that dented (yet salvageable!) tampon now!”

“Ouch! Oh man, I just got stuck with a random safety pin, what the hell?! But I did find this really cool mini cop car!”

Oops. Danger lurks at every turn in the mommy purse.

It’s also super funtastic when I whip my honking bigger than my arse mommy wallet out to pay for something at the drug store and stuff starts to rain down on the floor. (Do I really need to hang onto the grocery receipt from 2008…pretty sure I’m not going to be returning the French’s mustard…but do I have the receipt for the sweater that didn’t fit from last week…..offff course not.)

And I know I’m technically an adult and thus, should be able to buy anything I want without fear of embarrassment, but does it ALWAYS have to be the one random teenage boy who can’t look me in the eye (his issue, NOT mine!) when I’m buying the three pack pregnancy test? I know it should not make me blush since I am A. married and B. old as dirt, at least in his eyes (Oh you and I both know it! Please refer to “Would It Kill You To Card Me And Stop Calling Me Ma’am.)

Listen kid, no shame in this game! Nope, none whatsoever. Even the most pious in society won’t argue, I am OLD enough and MARRIED enough to have sex if I want to punk, and if I get pregnant (gulp) the more the merrier (Insert Howard Dean scream….now!)

Oh forget it…just put your ipod on and ignore me! And tell your friend at the deli I said, “Hi!”





Filed under Mom-ness, Yo! It's a girl thing!


  1. peasoutmama

    Awesome! Can I just tell you how much I love the Howard Dean reference?

  2. Lisa Feeney

    Love it

  3. Kerri G

    This one really hits home because I just bought a new “mommy bag” last week! I swear my kitchen sink would get lost inside!

  4. Siobhan

    I have the mommy bag, the years old receipt, the random toys, and much much more! Hysterical! Let me know how that pregnancy test works out…LOL (kidding!)….

  5. jrfrong

    I should clarify…I am SO not pregnant! It just seems that IN THE PAST when I had to buy such an item, it was always the awkward teenage boy ringing me up!! So funny bc after I put that in, I’m like, oh God, people are going to think I’m pregnant or might be!!

  6. So awesome! Love your humour!! I have to do a weekly purse cleaning or I pull my back….and I don’t even have kids!!!

  7. Hillary

    Absolutely hysterical and true. Keep going!!!

  8. Anna

    Sadly, I won’t even buy a purse now if it can’t double as a diaper bag. I have even convinced myself that some of diaper bags really do look like a purse.

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