BUT WHERE DOES THE MUFFIN TOP GO?

I bought an undergarment that claims to “reduce muffin top”.

First, I’d like to thank the undergarment company for letting me know I’m not alone in my tragic plight. The mere fact they are marketing a product that claims to reduce muffin top, means there’s dough to be made in the muffin top biz! Which means, I’m in good company! (Don’t even get all high and mighty with me…. you bet your booty misery loves company!)

At first I was relieved that help finally arrived —since I got a muffin top way before I even knew it had a name.

(I swear, I’ve had a muffin top since the third grade. Some girls got boobs in third grade, I got a muffin top. Ain’t genetics a bitch?!)

Point is, since I’ve had my muffo de topo since leg warmers and the Rubik’s Cube were all the rage, I’m thinking it’s here to stay (clearly, since I not so optimistically named my very own blog in its honor. Sigh.)

So, when I had to get all fancy pants for a special event, I knew I had to take drastic measures. Thus, I purchased the vile undergarment (for almost the same price as my dress. No, I am not kidding. What’s up with that? Can you say, stop extorting desperate muffintopistas, greedy undergarment purveyors!)

Despite initially skipping out of the store with glee, upon further reflection of my purchase, I couldn’t help but wonder…If you reduce muffin top and whittle your waist, where does the muffin top go? It can’t just vanish into thin air (and trust me if it did, I would so not be bitching about the price. I’d pay any amount. Anything. And I’d stop at nothing to get the cash. There’d be a series of stick ups at local Targets, I’d probably be caught, but damn if I wouldn’t look great in that orange jumper sans muffin top!)

Dare to dream.

Anyway…I’m no expert in physics, but I know if you squeeze something, it has to come back out, somewhere.

So… what then?

 The cold, hard truth? The muffin top comes out your underarms and your tush. (Yes, yes it does. And it’s not pretty. Don’t even try it at home.) And when you take off said undergarment, it’s like opening up a tube of crescent rolls—“POP!! Look out, thare she blows!”

I’m telling you, between the muffin top contraption and your other undergarments….it’s one big house of cards. One false move, and you are so going down. So unless you plan to stand like a statue all evening to hold in your newly acquired under- arm –muffin- top, the gig’s up.

Take my advice…..and please don’t shoot the messenger….there’s just no easy fix. You can reduce muffin top in two minutes flat, but you’re either going to explode, implode or seriously contemplate throwing the garment in the “feminine products only” trash receptacle in the bathroom stall at your event. (Tell me cleaning people do not find evil muffin top and gut sucking apparatuses tossed aside when they clean restrooms after events. I defy you to prove otherwise. I will go on record stating desperate muffin toppers across the US are being driven to ditch in droves.)

I tell you what, I am so traumatized from my run in with the garment, I am this close to being desperate enough to do crunches!!

I KNOW!!!

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7 Comments

Filed under TMI? Says who!

7 responses to “BUT WHERE DOES THE MUFFIN TOP GO?

  1. Jamie Tighe

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!

  2. peasoutmama

    Thank you so much for writing this! I was seriously going to start researching said undergarments for an event I have in November! Thank you, thank you for saving me the cash! But wait–does this mean I have to start doing crunches?! I haven’t been to the gym since the little monkey was born…sigh.

  3. jrfrong

    Well Michelle a few things…I have not been to the gym since like 2004, no joke…so I’m sure you are looking just great and do not need to resort to such extreme measures….and if you get something like Spanx, they aren’t bad…but this thing I bought took tummy control to a whole new level….I was in legitimate pain by the end of the night (which I was forced to dull with alcohol, hence the showdown at the silent auction table…kidding…)…Tarjay has faux Spanx called, “Assets”—you should scope them out! 🙂

  4. Lisa feeney

    You are hysterical!! I bought one once and I think I broke s rib!

  5. Sue Heimberg

    Very funny, Janet. So funny. It is too bad that wearing one would not make me taller. i could probably grow a foot taller if that is where the “extra” went! Thank you for the much needed Monday morning laugh.

  6. jrfrong

    Oh Sue, well I had my two inch heels for that–and you are welcome to borrow them anytime!! And believe me, the pain from those could be a whole OTHER blog entry! I was towering over my “date”–hubby was away so I went with a friend who’s a few inches shorter than me. It’s not often I tower over anyone! I’m just glad I didn’t topple over. Between the undergarment and the shoes…it’s a minor miracle no one was injured by me bobbling along! Thanks for reading!

  7. Kerri G

    I avoid the crunches and just live with my muffin top! Not that I am saying this is the way to go, but I prefer to be comfortable! Especially after having two kids in a year and a half, I have learned to just let it go, let it go!

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