Some people dream of being famous. Some dream of making it big in the stock market (hopefully a plan B is in place after this past year!) and others harbor thoughts of pitching in the majors.

Me? Oh I have dreams, too. You bet. I wanna know who gets to name paint and carpet. I’m gunning for that job. Please tell me, where do I apply? Does anyone know? Does anyone know anyone who actually does this for a living?

We’ve recently been working on a playroom (for the boys) and mud area (For MEEEE! Hot damn— I am SO excited! I wanna go all Sound of Music and sing from the mountains because it is so gonna rock my organizational world! Not sure what that says about the breadth of my world at the moment, but guess what? I don’t care! All I know is coats and shoes and bags and keys and hats and mittens and, and, and (deep breaths)….all things random….are henceforth banned from my kitchen!) Mama bear is taking back her turf, yo!

Because of my fun project, I’ve been shopping for paint and carpet lately. What struck me beyond the dizzying array of choices, are the random names of the paint chips and carpet samples. After much deliberation, we ended up choosing “spring cactus” for the walls and “ivory” carpet for the floor.

Thing is, the carpet isn’t ivory at all—it has lots of dark flecks in it. (The dark flecks look like dirt. And that… is not an accident. How sad! I’m at a point in my life where I want my brand new carpet to already look dirty! Aim high people, aim high!)

But come on, ivory carpet for a playroom? For three boys? I’d have to be high to choose real ivory carpet. And we all know from, “The Break Up” post, I’m only high when I give birth (under the watchful supervision of medical professionals! Safety first!) But… I need to know…who was rushing to get out for vaca or happy hour when “he” (let’s just call faceless carpet namer “he” for the sake of this argument) named my not ivory carpet, ivory?

“Yeah Jim, I’m late for dollar drafts over at Shooters….just ahh, just ahh….just put that one down as ‘ivory’! See ya Monday!”

And as for spring cactus, I must admit, hailing from New England, I’m not totally sure what a spring cactus looks like. I saw a few cacti in Arizona once, but they weren’t the color of my walls— that I know. I would call my walls apple green or maybe if I were feeling clever, Granny Smith green. (See, I could totally name paint. Pfft. Everyone knows what a granny smith apple looks like!) And my work ethic? Would so be better than ivory guy’s. I never rush out of my current gig to get to happy hour. Oh wait, that’s because I can’t…..damn!

The names of our runner up choices were just as nonsensical. We knocked ravioli and mountain out of the running for carpet. Celery sticks and pistachio ice cream got negged for the walls. Tough call, and turns out, one that can’t be made on an empty stomach. All that shopping for carpet and paint made me hungry—so many of the samples were named for food! What is that about you think? Are the carpet and paint people working in collusion with the food industry? Or do they just figure we Americans know our foodstuffs (oink!) Regardless, beige flecked carpet does not remind me of a dish of ravioli just like a tannish berber will never generate visions of mountains in my head. I just don’t get it.

One of my bathrooms is hydrangea blue—now that makes sense to me. I can totally ride that train. But my kitchen is Nantucket grey and it’s actually what I’d call sage green. I’ve been to Nantucket and frankly, I don’t know what the paint people are talking about. If they called a paint Nantucket red, I’d get it. But I grew up in Massachusetts not somewhere far, far away like Arizona. How many Arizona people have travelled to Nantucket and would get the reference? But see, they’d know if my green really looked like a spring cactus! (Hello, paint people….knock it off with the regional references! We’re not down with the cacti here in New England!)

I have to cut them some slack though, because these paint and carpet people have their work cut out for them. Because even if they do name a paint something we can all relate to, once you get the paint on the wall or the carpet on the floor, if you’re anything like me I always think the store made a mistake!

“That couldn’t possibly be the carpet I chose!” I screeched to my husband a few years ago during our last carpet go around. “I would NEVER have chosen a carpet with that much peachy pink in it!”

Apparently, I would and I did.

I now know things look much differently when they’re not on swatches the size of a piece of toast or a post it note. (They are so setting us up to fail!) Which is why, my bedroom is now painted a wonderful, vibrant shade of Easter egg yellow that I lovingly refer to as ‘postpartum yellow’ because I just HAD to have it after my second son was born. (No one should be making such important decisions right after they have a baby. I get a pass on that one. For all I know, I was still high.)

Regardless, I’m confident I could meet the challenge presented by my paint and carpet naming gig. I am ready and able to take on this industry. Now….if I can just figure out where to apply????????????



Filed under Some things just don't fit into a neat little box. The uncategory!

5 responses to “I WANT THAT JOB!

  1. Sue Heimberg

    So funny – thank you again for the laugh. I look forward to reading these every time – and I am never disappointed.


  2. love it. i painted the bedroom at the condo Hydrangea Blue! i knew there was a reason i liked you!

  3. Michelle Kaelin

    fab! love this post and i totally agree!

  4. Janet-
    You are a riot!
    Very fun to read! I enjoy your style of wriitng, keep them coming!

  5. Lisa Feeney

    so funny… where do you come up with these?

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