So the medical newsletter from the local hospital where I had my last two sons came today. I usually leaf through it to see if there’s any information that might interest me. It’s actually a very good, well written and informative publication. So I’m about to pitch it when I notice the title of the last article, “Could your thyroid be altering your metabolism?”

“OH YES! Yes, absolutely, a thousand times YES!” I scream in my head.

It’s definitely not the wine, the cookies with my kids, the Thai food or the boneless buffalo tenders (washed down with waistline friendly beer) causing the muffin top. Oh no, no, no! IT’S MY ALTERED METABOLISM, STUPID!

It’s obvious.

I must suffer from a condition called “hypothyroidism”, which is when (please, read this with a grain of salt…you don’t see endocrinologist after my name for a reason, people!) your body does not produce enough thyroid hormone, which in turn slows your metabolism and causes you to gain weight. (This is NOT to be confused with “hyperthyroidism”, which is when your metabolism works TOO fast and you burn too many calories —I think it’s safe to assume I am not afflicted with this condition but to those of you who are, you go girl! Ok, just kidding. It’s actually not good for you at all. No really, it’s not. No, I’m serious. I take that back. I do!)

If you want to remember which is which, here’s a trick:

HYPOthyroidism = hippo = big mama = yo too fat.

HYPERthyroidism = hyper girl = moving too fast = yo too skinny.

(Yeah, and you wonder how English major graduated at the top of drug rep class. OH YEAH! That’s what I’m talking about!)

Ahem, anyway, it’s not nice to brag, so in conclusion, thyroid hormones regulate metabolism and thus can affect your weight. And that concludes our medical lesson for today. Or hopefully, ever.

Now, we’re nearing January 1 and my fat pants are tight. I had a baby almost a whole year ago so blaming him is out of the question. I’d love to blame my thyroid, my metabolism, the kid who sells me my wine in a box, but let’s face it… know whose fault it is….the man in the mirror. I mean, the woman in the mirror (sorry Jacko!). It’s time to look at MYSELF and make that change!

Anyway,  along with half of the continental U.S., I’ve been checking around to see what I can do after January 1 (When all my benders, I mean, get togethers of 2009, are over. Yeah, that’s right. You don’t think I’m going to go down quietly, do you? I have three left, they might have to take place in elastic waist pants, but I pride myself on never breaking a commitment.)

So my husband’s friend from high school…he just lost three pants sizes. Now we’re talking! His wife, Molly, told me he did it using a series of DVDS called P90X. Hmm, DVDS….. I wouldn’t even have to leave the house! I could do it at night, when the kids are sleeping.

“You should totally do it!”  Molly suggested after I peppered her with questions about this miraculous sounding program.

But, upon further investigation, I began to become fearful, very fearful.

“I’m not sure if this is the right plan for me. I don’t know that going from couch surfing right to mega, intense training is such a good idea? And honestly, I don’t need six pack abs. I’m shooting for mediocrity here. I just want to not be rocking the muffin top to the extreme in 2010, you know? No need to be a show off!”

“You would get in SUCH great shape! You should do it!”

Yup, and then they could cart my cold, lifeless body out the front door on a stretcher because that shit would kill me! And, my kids? What would become of them? I’d have to leave explicit instructions for my very best friends to make sure my husband remarries a suitable woman who would love my kids like her own, but naturally be a worse cook, housekeeper and have a bigger muffin top than me.

I don’t think so.

What to do, what to do?

P90X will kill me and I’m 40 years too young for Sweatin’ to the Oldies. The last time I tried to do Wii Fit, that sarcastic &^%$ asked me if I walked often or tripped over my own feet or something like that, and I fell off the balance board and woke the kids!

I hate to say it.

I don’t want to say it.

Do I have to say it?

I think I need to join a….a….gym.

I need to just go to a building, where there is equipment I can use at my own pace, and where there are professionals on staff who could guide me (or, resuscitate my ass, you know, should I keel on the elliptical or something.)

Who’s in?



Filed under OH &^%$!!, Some things just don't fit into a neat little box. The uncategory!, TMI? Says who!, Yo! It's a girl thing!

11 responses to “THYROID? WHAT THYROID. OH, I WISH!

  1. OMG love it!!!!!!!! And how funny is this…when I went to choose the background for my blog I hated every other background except this one-naturally gravitated towards this one. Not realizing, of course, the reason why I loved it so much was because it was the same as yours! I am a dope! If you want I will certainly change it. That’s so funny about the hyperthyroidism…I was hoping it would afflict me at some point. and LOVE the HIPPO for HYPO. Classic. I will now never forget the difference between the two! LOL!!!!!!!!

  2. Teresa

    Hi Janet – Jamie’s friend Teresa here – just want to say that although I haven’t tried P90X, I do hear great things about it and honestly, you won’t be sent off to the hospital…it works for every body type and every desirable state you want to be in. You should see their infomercial. They have women on there who show their muscle, but nothing like you think; they’re toned and feeling good. Anyway, I know P90X can be expensive so you want to use it if you choose to buy it – you don’t know me so you could be like, who is this byatch telling me to buy it? I’m just saying it’s not as bad as you may think and I want to buy it too, but I have to PT on my shoulder…a whole other story that’s not important…LOL…Loved your blog by the way. Hysterical!

  3. jrfrong

    But if I die Teresa, will you be a mother to my children?

    Just kidding! Thanks for the info! I would consider trying it if I can get in some kind of shape first. I appreciate the feedback! And thanks for checking out my blog! Feel free to visit again or even subscribe!

    And Jamie, naturally we would choose the same fun blog background because we both have such wonderful taste, clearly! No worries! You, me and 50 million others probably have that background! 🙂

  4. Molly

    I just finished a P90X workout and I am not on a stretcher! I might not be able to raise my arms to wash my hair in the shower but at least I am still alive. I will bring you a disk to try and if you like it then you can buy the whole series. Tom is still going strong and is adicted. I tried to get him to hang my roman shades last night and he said “I have to work out”. So, they are still in the box but he got his workout in. I think this program is way more effective than the gym b/c it tells you exactly what to do where a gym you kind of wander around and do what you think is right!

  5. jrfrong

    But Molly, you aren’t on a stretcher because you are already in good shape!!! If you bring me the dvd, I will possibly dare try it—but if I die, you can’t let Fronge marry a hoochie mama!!!!!

  6. actionbabe

    P90X is a decent program, but it’s actually probably a little more work than you need right off the bat. It’s daily workouts, ranging between 60-90 minutes, and the meal plan is fairly tight.

    I’m not recommending a gym just because I’m a PT, I don’t stand to make any money off you, wherever you are in the world, I’m recommending it because it’s a real clear message to yourself. “I’m going to the gym. I’m taking time for me. I’m in my space, doing my thing, with my people.” It can become a real community, a place to take your frustrations, your victories, and claim your life.

    As for the eating side of things? You’ll notice an immediate difference once the parties are out of the way, also, more plants and less sugar seems to be a pretty good rule to live by.

    I vote gym.

    Also – love your blog 🙂

    • jrfrong

      Thank you…action babe?? HEE. I really appreciate your feedback on the working out and the blog. Great stuff.

      I completely agree with you on getting out to the gym…I just feel like I’m at a place in my life where I need to take ownership of it and physically removing myself from the house would be a good thing, not only phsyically, but mentally too as I’m home all day with three kids four and under!! AGGH! I need to take some time for ME. It might be later at night than I want, but I need to do it. I think if I try to do something at home, the couch will beckon—I need to get outta dodge!

      Thanks again for reading and commenting. Make sure to check out muffintopmommy again! Happy New Year! 🙂


  7. peasoutmama

    I read this while eating cheesecake and admiring my new Wii Fit balance board sitting under the TV console. Good stuff. I belong to a gym; we just haven’t been friends lately. I’ve seriously been there once since the li’l guy was born–9 months ago! But I have plans…big plans…for cheesecake.

  8. hey Janet i was going to mention that we should get together and do the 30 day shred together! (and then eat some sandwiches from that panini thing)

    a handful of people i know joined the gym by the post office, but i just can’t bring myself to do it. plus, i have the 30 day shred dvd already and haven’t gotten around to trying all 30 days of it. so, what do you say, wanna give it a go?

    • jrfrong

      What’s this shred thing? I need the 411.

      And what gym by the post office? I had no idea there was a gym there.

      I actually was thinking of joining the Gold’s in Merrimack because it’s the closest to my house, I used to belong before, and I have friends who go there and we could possibly cajole each other? Also, Rick got me the Biggest Loser for the Wii, but again, I did fall off the platform previously so not sure where that’s going to go! And “Action Babe” (Sorry, don’t know her real name), had a great point about getting out of the house–which I think I need to do. Wanna go with?

  9. Lisa Feeney

    That one realtes to me so much!!! I laughed so hard… I joined Curves last year until well it was too cold to go!!! Hello its only a half hour!!!
    So 2 1/2 weeks ago I joined weight watchers ONLINE… Yup.. too lazy to got to the meetings but so far its working… slowly.. down 11 pounds so far!
    I want to join a gym but I want to loose some weight first.. I know probably sounds crazy!

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