Okay, so listen, before we jump into my super romantic poem, if there are ANY fellas in the muffintopmommy house today (Be not afraid! You are totally welcome along with women with flat tummies. I’m a lover, not a hater. We are the world.)…what I say in the poem reflects only the opinions of ONE sassy woman who may be prone to eschew certain societal romantic overtures. (Unless done randomly and without prompting!) What? I am not a pain in the ass! Whatever, it ain’t worth getting into here. Just know, not every woman shares my opinion on roses and gifts for Valentine’s Day. It is up to YOU to figure out what makes your woman tick—so, good luck with that! These are just the romantic ramblings (!) of one random, red rose hating, woman. So, unless your name rhymes with trick or pick or thick, take the poem with a grain of salt and in the spirit in which it was intended! Oh, and Happy Valentine’s Day everyone! (Just wanted to publish a few days early in the hopes my sweets has time to meet my demands. I mean, polite requests. I mean, unsolicited, loving overtures. I mean. Um. Never mind.)

NO, NO, NO, NO, NOOOOOO. Just, NO!!!!!!

Roses are red.
Violets are not.
Bringing me flowers on V Day
Just ain’t that hot.
Lemme sleep in,
Take the kids at witching hour.
Bring me some gin.
But keep yo damn flower!
A sweater, a scarf, even a purse I can do.
Of course, you know me likie shoes, too.
And don’t spend 8 grand on some huge sappy card,
Just say I love you–don’t make it that hard.
Save your cashola to feed the muffin top.
Some seafood or steak?
But please , no lamb chops. (BAA!)
If you show with even one stinking rose,
I swear to God I’m gonna break your nose.
Oy, do you know the mark up on V Day?
And seriously, could it be any more cliche?
If you really want me to swoon?
Bring me a 12 pack some random day in June!
The only “Buds” I wanna see from my man?
Come in a lovely glass bottle or can.
Oh, don’t be afraid–I’m not starting a fight.
You always *mostly* get it just right.
And if you can’t find that perfect gift for me?
I know of one that is perfectly free!
You can *for once* just replace the TP!                                                
It’s already bought and wrapped in clear plastic!
It’s so super soft and perfectly round.
Under the sink is where it is found.
And when you need it, it sure is fantastic.
What? I’m not even being sarcastic!  
I love you, dear.
I love you so much.
You’ve nothing to fear.
Your gifts, always clutch.
If my demands seem mean or even nasty,
You knew when we married
I’d be bringing some sassy!
I must confesss now, I don’t care what you do         
As long as you read this and still love me, too!
 *Props to the very funny wendiaarons.com for teaching me how to make that bitchin’ heart! Check out her site!
Well, ladies? What say you?


Filed under Awesomeness, Some things just don't fit into a neat little box. The uncategory!, Things that make you go....awwww, TMI? Says who!, Yo! It's a girl thing!


  1. Erin

    LOVE the poem, but I’ll admit to loving red roses too!

  2. muffintopmommy

    Muffintopmommy is all about democracy which is why I included the red rose poll! Whatever makes you go “Whee!”, sister! If you love red roses, then Mr. Erin better be bringing you some. HEE.

    Happy Valentine’s Day! And thanks for the comment!

  3. I’m for taking the kids at witching hour. This beats roses any day (and dare I say it – beer). By the way, got my sister to become fan or your site.

  4. Dianne

    Love it, Love it, Love it! No truer words were ever written but I have to admit I am partial to roses on Valentines Day as they were my first gift from hubby…but the save the money on the red and get the assorted colors guys…

    • jrfrong

      I hear you, Dianne. You have to go with what you love–it’s totally personal–as it should be! (Unless you broadcast your preferences on the internet, and then I guess it’s not so personal, too!) HEH. Thanks for the feedback!

  5. Rita Malloy

    SOOOOO true. Hate, Despise and loathe red roses-always!!!

    • jrfrong

      Are you sure we’re not related, Rita? Somebody’s great someone was farming with someone else’s great someone on the emerald aisle a few hundred years ago….totally possible! Or probably more likely sharing a pint, but tomato, tomatoe. I gotta dig into it!!

  6. Pingback: Happy Valentine’s Day…or something like that « Peas Out Mama

  7. Linda Reusch

    You are hysterical !!!! I’m with you on every single word !!! Hats off to Muffin Top Mommy, you always help make my days a little brighter !!! Happy Valentines Day girls !!!

    • jrfrong

      So glad, Linda. I am trying to make the world a better place in my own small way. 🙂
      So if I can inspire others to be more vocal about their V Day preferences, that moves me! HEH.
      Happy V Day to you, too!

  8. Molly

    I think you are UD’s next Erma Bombeck!

    • jrfrong

      Molly, that would be an amazing feat for sure. I don’t know if there will ever be anyone like Erma again, but to even be compared to her is compliment enough! Also, I think Erma got paid? She was the WOMAN!

      And by the way, it’s been WAY too long since I’ve written a poem and after I posted it, don’t you know I was thinking of you, the big English prof, and my friend, the copyeditor, and cringing about what grammatical sins I may have committed!! Think I need a brush up! 🙂

  9. I’m going to fly to you, kiss your face and shake your hand. I’m also sending this post to my husband.

    • jrfrong

      Dude, I just had a FEELING you might be into this one…..I think it’s called, “knowing your audience”…..or something like that????
      Definitely spread the muffintopmommy love!
      Oh, and Happy V Day? 🙂

  10. I have to admit, I hate flowers, teddy bears and mushy crap on V-Day. My man already does the laundry, dishes and cooking. I can’t really ask for much more. I’m a lucky girl!

    • jrfrong

      I’m so with you, girl. There is nothing hotter than a man wielding a mop and a spatula! I am lucky enough that I might stop busting his chops about the tp. Changing the tp is easier than mopping the floor, which he does!

  11. Heather Dainiak

    J- you really make me laugh. I do love flowers but mostly chocolate. It does not have to be on valentines day either. I tell my husband at any holiday or celebration if he feels he needs to get me something, forget any fancy gift, just get me chocolate! Or watch my boys a few hours! Keep writing:-)

    • jrfrong

      Totally agree, Heather–chocolate trumps flowers every time, on any occasion! I love flowers on random occasions, but roses not so much. Enjoy your day and I hope you get some r and r! 🙂

  12. Audra

    Just say NO to V-day all together but if you can’t do that you definitely need to say NO to $8million roses! Love the poem Jan…

  13. Fleegs

    OK, so I LOVED that poem. Laughed the whole way through it. I like roses but not really red roses but have never had the heart to tell my hubby. He knows I like yellow roses but I also like multi-colored bouquets. Anyway, I prefer to get them on a totally random day. VD is just bullshit to me. Hated when I was single, and never really grew fond of it over the 10 1/2 years of marriage. With Jeff being away for 2 weeks on an Army base for training, I did manage to score an Army long-sleeved T-Shirt. Woohoo! The shirt won’t wilt and die, right?

  14. Nicole

    Pee your pants funny.

  15. Lisa Feeney

    so funny and so very true… yes roses are a nice gesture but i would rather sleep in!!!

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